Carta de un escritor a Dostoievski y Schopenhauer

Carta de un escritor a Dostoievski y Schopenhauer

Aquí donde desconozco a todos y todos me desconocen, desde esta carta dejo sentada mi decisión de dar inicio y fin a mi carrera como escritor. Siempre tuve el anhelo de que la escritura sea mi medio de vida. Deseaba que mis escritos gocen de la aprobación popular.  Aspiré a la fama y al reconocimiento, a los elogios y alabanzas, a ser recordado en la posteridad. Hoy, todos esos deseos los desecho y olvido, hoy me retiro sin haber ejercido, me mando al exilio y al destierro. Luego de leer a Dostoievski tengo la certeza de que es lo más sensato.   

¿Sobre qué me resta escribir, cuando ya todo fue escrito? ¿Sobre qué puedo pensar, cuando ya todo fue pensado? La pluma se queda paralizada sobre el papel y la mente en blanco vacía. Dostoievski me ha desarmado, ha desnudado el alma humana, lo ha expuesto todo a la luz. No ha dejado nada bajo el tapete y todo lo que pueda tratar de esbozar sería redundancia absurda. No negaré que lo he intentado, que tuve el vanidoso atrevimiento de escribir un par de páginas, pero la ira y vergüenza incineraron cada hoja, cada idea. Y es que a cada palabra, a cada párrafo lo envuelve una frivolidad e insuficiencia lapidarias, todo se vuelve vacuo e insípido al lado de tanta maestría.

Ya no encuentro motivos, ya todo se ha dicho, si un mínimo impulso emerge rápidamente se extingue, sin inspiración alguna soy un espectro con pluma en mano. Me siento derrotado, frustrado, mi mente se ha apagado y estoy abatido. Quien haya leído al ruso comprenderá que adentrarse en sus líneas es un viaje sin retorno, que nada vuelve a ser igual y que el mundo tendrá otro tinte. Alguno que otro compartirá este sentimmiento de sin sabor, este síntoma de trágica desazón. Me rehuso a a tomar la pluma, las manos me tiemblan, me cuesta hilar palabras, la mente se turba y el corazón se funde ante cada intento. Todo lo que pueda crear será insuficiente, he leído  las obras de los comunes, son bosquejos tan ridículos, tan pobres, tan penosos. Pobres repetidores, descarados y farsantes, si supieran, si leyeran, si conocieran la mítica Petersburgo, no cometierían el sacrilegio de escribir letras muertas y preferirían la amputación de sus manos.

En medio de mi derrumbe, de esta colisión sin precedentes, he conocido al otro, al viejo y solitario, al sereno y sabio Arthur Schopenhauer. Si Dostoievski expone el dolor y el sufrimiento del alma, Schopenhauer lo abraza y se empapa con él. Sin lamentos, sin consuelos ilusorios, sin doblegar las rodillas gritando letanías al viento, Schopenhauer es la calma, la reivindicación de la vida a pesar del dolor, vivir a pesar de ir muriendo.

Fiódor me ha forzado a la jubilación anticipada, Arthur me hizo aceptarla. Maestros, queridos Maestros, cada uno a su manera y medida, me resigno a escribir para no ofenderlos, prefiero vivir aprendiendo bajo la tutela de ambos. Desde mi humilde sitio les brindaré tributo, leyéndolos, sacándolos del olvido en el que decadentes generaciones los han sumido. Me regocijaré en sus enseñanzas, los tomaré como guías pero no como Dioses, me abriré camino yo mismo, respetando lo que soy pero nunca olvidando quienes fueron.

Hasta siempre maestros, nos vemos en cada duda, en cada revés del destino. En la pérdida de un ser querido, cuando en la soledad de la madrugada embriagado reviva dolores, cuando no encuentre casa ni vocación, cuando la angustia me doblegue y se desatine la razón. Sin embargo, yo sabré levantarme y lúcido seguir, porque es parte del camino, porque así lo he aprendido.

Y cuando pasen los años, cuando la vela esté por consumirse, voltearé a ver mi vida para darme cuenta que nada fue en vano, mirare dentro mío y me reconoceré. Será ahí cuando logré comprender la última lección, porque recién al final del viaje uno conoce su destino. Cuando la llama este por apagarse, habré vivido lo suficiente para darme cuenta que el misterio está por revelarse y no temeré a la muerte, la esperaré sereno como me han enseñado.

Firma: Un ignorante, un eterno aprendiz, nadie.

Jesús Melgarejo

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